Don’t make your reader perform mental gymnastics

Before

Excluding the $171 million gain on the February 2007 sale of the ABC subsidiary, noninterest income for 2008 declined by $33 million or 4%. Income from trust and investment services decreased by $25 million, reflecting a reduction in brokerage commissions caused by the ABC sale, as well as the effects of general weakness in the financial markets. Also contributing to the decrease was a $7 million gain from the sale of securities recorded in the fourth quarter of 2007. Reductions in other components of noninterest income were offset in part by increases in service charges on deposit accounts and bank channel investment product sales income of $18 million and $15 million, respectively.

Before, with commentary

Excluding the $171 million gain on the February 2007 sale of the ABC subsidiary, noninterest income for 2008 declined by $33 million or 4%. Income from trust and investment services decreased by $25 million, reflecting a reduction in brokerage commissions caused by the ABC sale [this is passive voice], as well as the effects of general weakness in the financial markets. Also contributing to the decrease was a $7 million gain from the sale of securities recorded in the fourth quarter of 2007. [There are two problems with this sentence. First, it’s in passive voice, which makes it look backwards. Worse, I can’t get my head around the idea that a $7 million gain in 2007 “contributed” to a decline in income in 2008.] Reductions in other components of noninterest income were offset in part by increases in service charges on deposit accounts and bank channel investment product sales income of $18 million and $15 million, respectively [it is much easier for the reader if you avoid using “respectively”; see this tip].

After

Excluding the $171 million gain on the February 2007 sale of the ABC subsidiary, noninterest income for 2008 declined by $33 million, or 4%. Income from trust and investment services decreased by $25 million, primarily because the ABC sale reduced brokerage commissions, but also because of general weakness in the financial markets. The decline is more pronounced because we recorded a $7 million non-recurring gain from the sale of securities in the fourth quarter of 2007. Reductions in other components of noninterest income were offset in part by increases in service charges on deposit accounts of $18 million, and increases in bank channel investment product sales income of $15 million.